Dominus Illuminatio Mea

Trust

2006-07-04T03:02:00.000-07:00

It is something that didn’t come easy. When I lost my faith I also lost my trust in people. It became a matter of guilty until proven innocent. And like Skylark I had found that I had trusted too easily and when my trust was betrayed my world turned upside down. If trusting someone can lead me to be hurt, then why should I? For a long time I felt the only person I could trust was myself.

It was a long time before I came to trust anyone again. I can’t say exactly what happened that allowed me to change, only that restoring my faith in Christ allowed me to trust again. I realised that I missed out on so much of life’s beauty because of my cynicism, because I could not bring myself to trust anyone. I was missing out on love, friendships, and happiness. I’ve come to realise that with faith in the Lord, even if those I love betray my confidence, I am still able to get back on my feet and forgive and forget.

Trust is a wonderful thing. It makes my world feel less bleak, less cold. Without it I found I was living a life filled with disappointments, a disappointment because I felt alone and there was no way around it. Sure enough there may come a time when my trust will be betrayed but I know when it happens I can trust that God will heal my wounds. Trust allowed me happiness, allowed me to experience the beautiful things in life.

Love

2006-06-15T06:01:00.000-07:00

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Love is a condition or phenomenon of emotional primacy, or absolute value. Love generally includes an emotion of intense attraction to either another person, a place, or thing; and may also include the aspect of caring for or finding identification with those objects, including self love. Love can describe an intense feeling of affection, an emotion or an emotional state. In ordinary use, it usually refers to interpersonal love, an experience usually felt by a person for another person. Love is commonly considered impossible to define.
The concept of love, however, is subject to debate. Some deny the existence of love, calling it a recently invented abstraction. Moreover, approximately 13 percent of cultures reportedly have no word for love.[1] Others maintain that love exists but is indefinable; being a quantity which is spiritual, metaphysical, or philosophical in nature. Love is one of the most common themes in art. An unfinished debate about the authenticity of love as other-regard began with Friedrich Nietzsche's charge that love is merely an ideology constructed by the weak to mask "resentment" about their lack of power. Critics of Nietzsche's view find gratuitous his assumptions that self-interest and the "will to power" overshadow all other concerns.

...What do yous think?

Whatever this emotion I'm feeling, this state of mind that i am in... its the most euphoric sensation ever. Love or not i wouldn't want it any other way. The most amazing things happen when you least expect them to. The Lord must love me so dearly to have dropped such a gift into my lap.

Life is beautiful

2006-05-01T22:37:00.000-07:00

So much has changed… Max its like you said when you have a feeling its usually right. And that I should trust my instinct. Things went from bad to great. At the moment I’m in a place where no one can touch me… I am just that happy… After almost 3 years in one r/s I would never have thought I’d find someone else. But I have and I thank God for that… for making life amazing I still might not have everything I want but I have more than I need. And for that I’m definitely grateful. At the moment life is so beautiful.

Drowning

2006-03-23T19:32:00.000-08:00

Everytime I find the strength to pick myself up and do what i need to do, I find that there is always something else that knocks me back down. Its like getting tossed around by waves. And the second you get a chance to come up for air another wave rolls over you sending you tumbling. It happens again and again and soon you start to lose hope that you'll ever get out of it alive.

Do you ever feel like you're drowning? Ever feel you have no control? Like there's no saving your own life? Feel like you've lost all sense of direction?

A really bad day at work has made me ask myself whether I'm cut out for this type of work. Made me reconsider my direction in life. My purpose. I started out helping adults and then i thought i needed to help kids... it's so much more difficult. I asked God whether this was what i am supposed to be doing. Is this my calling? I don't know. Because I don't know whether or not I have the strength to endure or the skill to deliver.

Is this what I'm meant to be doing? Am i meant to just hold on? Or is this a wake up call? Is God telling me that I should continue my search for something else?

Lord show me your light and guide me in the right direction. Please give me the wisdom to know what to do and the courage and strength to do what i need to.

2006-03-12T03:02:00.000-08:00

Ever since, every day I pray
I beg for his guidance and love,
I ask for his courage and strength.
I pray he sends me a blessing to go on.
I find a smile upon my face
and i find the days flying past
I stop to wonder where its all coming from
But i can't imagine where
For i look around and see nothing
I freeze myself in time and it dawns on me
God has sent me an angel
He diverts my saddness and transforms my being
I'm still afraid for I am not ready
but i thank God for what i have
I pray I can keep what i've found
or have the strength to turn it away.
Ever since, every day i pray
I beg for his wisdom and kindness
I give thanks for that which i've been blessed
And still I pray for his courage and strength.

2006-02-12T18:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday i just got back from Port Stephens. Our little weekend away was my birthday gift to him. We had fun just hanging out at the beach and relaxing. It was so good to spend some time alone with him. I love him so much. I'm so blessed to have him in my life.

Port Stephens was awesome. Its such a lovely place, really laid back. I want to go again! i can't get enough of it. So many good memories! But now back to reality.

Do you ever feel like you haven't done enough with your life? Like you haven't accomplished anything of worth? It's definitely my own fault i feel that way. I've been putting things off for too long. I have to get back on my feet, do what i need to do and make the most of every opportunity. It's hard though, because when things don't go your way, you feel like you let yourself down. I feel like just giving up and i lose sight of what it is that i really want. I start to wonder away from God. I lock myself in this dark place and i numb all my senses. i don't want to look at the world, i don't want to hear anyone's voice and i don't want to take any body's outreached hand. I just want to lock myself away and forget about everything, forget about me.

I try to forget about those feelings. Through those times i suppose God just needs me to have faith and lean on him. Trust that he has given me the strength to recover and blessed me with the gift to make things happen. It's so hard for me to remember these things while facing adversity.

Precious moments

2006-01-23T04:32:00.000-08:00

Being showered in a cleansing warmth
And immersed in a fluid brilliance
Past the farthest horizon
While my body resides with the millions

I feel the attraction pull me forward
A faint resistance losing its grip
My mind soaring through the worlds
My soul now in release

The moment feels like forever
The feeling –eternal peace
Lightness elsewhere never experiences
Lifted off me the weight with ease

Everytime I share the moments with my treasures
I hold onto every moment with strength
If only this calm was endless
No need for life to be retread.

Giving thanks

2006-01-13T17:18:00.000-08:00

I was just preparing food to take to that Jazz thingy-ma-jig on tonight in the Domain and i was thinking about how good life is at the moment. Sure enough i didn't get into Honours, i'm broke and i don't have a job at the moment but its all good. I have my friends, family, my partner and God. That's all i need.

Father, I just want to thank you for all the things that i have. Thank you for your guidance and lending me your strength. Thank you for giving me the courage to start a new chapter in my life. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to use my talents to help those in needs. Thank you God for the opportunity to raise awareness for those with schizphrenia and austism. Father thank you for everything. Thank you for your love.

Psalm 23 (New Living Translation)

The LORD is my shepherd; I have everything I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You welcome me as a guest, anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the LORD forever.

Him

2005-12-11T18:18:00.000-08:00

The one thing that i treasure most in life. The one thing that I would give anything to keep.

Since meeting him I have never been happier. He is my first thought as I wake and my last before i sleep. His coming into my life renewed my heart and soul.

There are highs and lows in our relationship, like any other i suppose. No matter how hard things get i suppose i can take comfort in the fact that atleast i still have him in my life.

I found the one person that i could never live without. I wish for him all the happiness in the world and more. And to him i give everything that i am.

A calm and composed me...

2005-12-11T17:50:00.000-08:00

...doesnt exist at the moment. I thought i had finally come to terms with myself and life. I had. I was accepting of my circumstances and grateful for what i have. But now and again i experience these bouts of uncertainty, insecurities and self loathing, in these moments i am aware of my imperfections. I turn to God every moment asking for his strength and courage and especially his guidance. Most of the time i hear his voice but as soon as his voice leaves me so does the memory of what he said to me. So often i turn to him, so often i know what to do. So often i find it hard to execute the actions which i know i should.

I feel so alone, so uninspired. I feel like i have no real connection with anyone around me. Time and time again i see the world go by so fast and i feel my struggling with every attempt to step forward.

True happiness appears to me to be a dream beyond my power to make reality. How to do you convince yourself to be happy and appreciative and grateful for all that you have. How do you convince yourself to shrug off life's problems and instead concentrate on life's wonders. I know that there are those in worse circumstances than I, in light of this i still fail to convince myself that there is much to be happy about.

Lonely Mistress

2005-11-17T14:40:00.000-08:00

I lash out at her
Yet she is my only friend
Every minute with her is torment
But she us my only solitude
I hate the very fabric of her being
But still she is my saviour
I slay her with my sword
But I save her with my breath
For she is my only escape
he can be my only death.

Long absence explained!

2005-11-17T14:05:00.000-08:00

I just finished my exams! Yay! I think i failed one but i think i did well on the other! I have a habit of choosing the hardest subjects... i never learn my lesson. I'm so sick of uni this is suppose to be my last semester but then i got an email from the faculty adviser saying that i have to do one more subject in winter school because i completed the wrong one. *shakes head*. They screwed me over i asked them twice whether i was doin the right thing and they said yes both times and now when im about to graduate they tell me something is wrong. Stupid faculty.

That's not the worst of it! I think my dream to become a psychologist is nolonger in reach! My marks are too low to get myself into an honours course coz of this one subject that i failed, which wasnt my fault at all. Because when i did the subject again i got a distinction for my assignment which i receved an F for the first time around. It totally unfair... i handed in the exact same assignment and recieved two totally different marks for it. And what can i do about it? nothing! why? because i wasn't suppose to hand in the same assignment again.

I aplied for ten different university in Australia hopefully i get accepted soem where. Otherwise i think i have to change career paths ... again.

Plan be is to do this Fitness institute of Australia course to become a personal trainer. i know its a drastic change but everything else that i want to do i can't do -financial problems you see. It's all a vicious cycle... you want to get an education so that you can make enough money in the future but to get that education you need money to begin with. Oooohhh how i wish i was smart enough to get a scholarship!

Anyway, on a brighter note i finally got time out with my special someone, he took me to a Thai restaurant which was very nice of him. He said he loves me ^_^. Hopfully he isn't just saying it. You can never tell. At the moment i'm trying to be as optimistc as i can about our relationship. I mean i definitely have my inecurities and doubts. Max you did say i should trust my instincts... if i feel there is something wrong there probably is right? It's so tiring being fearful. Fearing the moment that he might decide to leave.

I had a little talk with the Lord and i suppose i have to stop being afraid. I mean if he decides to leave then he leaves what can i do about it right? I've already given the relationship everything i have to offer and i do my best to make him happy, and in the end that is all you can do. If you know you did everything in your power to make it all work, if he leaves you know its not cause you didn't try. I just have to treasure evey moment i have with him and thank God he gave me the opportunity.

No more being afraid that he'll leave, no more wondering about whether he actually loves me, no more questions about not knowing enough about him. I'm jus so tired of thinking so much. Just live life and be happy right? Learn to be content and satisfied because it could all be so much worse.

Hehehe his mother requested that she have grandkids in three years. I think he got quite freaked out by that. I think he got even more freakked out when i didn't object. I mean i don't plan for one in three years because there's still so much i have to do but if that came to be what happened i don't think i'd be worried either. I love him so much, he is like no other guy ive ever met. He never forces me to do anything i don't want, his never jealous or over protective.

To Mey -for returning my faith

2005-11-06T02:11:00.000-08:00

It’s that submergence in a golden hue
The atmosphere of cheer and joy
The energetic air
The presence of a pure happiness

You bring a smile to every face
You are a blessing to us all
Your kindness warms our hearts
& your comfort lightens our souls

The weight of the world lifted off my shoulders
The worries of my life forgotten
Nothing but an air of laughter
& for life -a rekindled enthusiasm

To many you are a gift,
The Lord has blessed our lives
One of life’s few treasures
You are undoubtedly one in a million.

Questions

2005-11-02T18:18:00.000-08:00

You love them with all your heart. There was a time when you knew that they loved you. But things change. You realise may be you don't know them at all. How do you know some one loves you?

My Knight

2005-10-30T10:42:00.000-08:00

The anger of the sea haunts me
the confusion of the wind shreds my soul.
The pain, fear, my mind imprisoned,
my temple longing to explode.

Forever lost in my own dungeons,
eternally forsaken in my satanic hell.
Longing for the aroma of a sweet fantasy;
envisioned, the comfort that clothed my bodily cell.

Feel the waves hunger for the jewels in the sand,
and the blizzards need to roar.
The temples addiction to the melodious tune,
a drug to my dying soul.

Mind anticipates the magic flow over the keys,
the rhythm of the oscillating beat.
Bring euphoria my warrior so dear,
for the moment –the sensation of eternal peace.

Every time the petals fall off my dying rose
its sweet essence just dissolves.
I seek the knight in the music,
his presence –angelic, rapture seemingly evolves.

2005-10-29T10:59:00.000-07:00

I am not: who people think i am, because i do not know who i am.
I hurt: when i have failed myself/others/the Lord
I love: two. My God and that other man in my life.
I hate: that I am not content with my life and that many in the world feel the same way.
I hope: to find happiness and peace and i hope for humanity to find the same.
I regret: many things i've done in the past because to not to would be to deny that i had the power to make something more of myself.
I cry: when I'm happy, sad, frustrated. Mostly i cry when i feel there is no hope left in me.
I care: about those that i love even though the feeling might not be reciprocated.
I always: give thanks to the Lord that i have his guidance even though i may not always feel his presence.
I long to: be at peace, be loved and share with my significant other a happiness and love unmatched by any other.
I feel alone: when I can't feel the Lord's presence and when the world passes me by.
I listen: to nature around me to calm my soul; Christian music when i need to find God; Classical when i need to study; Bjork, Gomez and Jeff Buckly when i need to forget about life.
I wonder: if the love of my life reciprocates that which i feel towards him
I hide: me. I hide my disappoinments and my hurt
I drive: myself crazy trying to figure out life.
I sing: to my soul so that she my find her true feelings and find her true self. i sing for release.
I dance: with Darkness and Pain because it is the story of my life.
I write: when i'm down because when i'm happy i don't have to figure out why i just am.
I breathe: contaminated air that never ceases to irritate my hay fever
I play: when i feel i am on top of the world.
I miss:my significant other even when he is right beside because it seems he is still a million miles away.
I search: for me, for happiness, for peace, for another life.
I say: 'The Lord is my light' over and over so that I don't forget that i have the strength to get thru what i must.
I feel: grateful for life and my angel.
I succeed: when i believe I can
I fail: when i doubt myself
I dream: all the time because with dreams come hope.
I sleep: knowing that tommorrow is another day i have to try and make the most of what i have.
I worry: about not succeeding my life’s goals
I have: the greatest man of all.
I give: anything and everything to keep him.
I fight: when I have the strength to.
I wait: for the Lord to claim me, so that i may finally know peace.
I am: who I am and nothing more.
I think: about humanity and my place in the world.
I can't: cease my thoughts from spiralling out of control.
I stay: sane when i remember things always work out for the best in the end.
I tried: to soldier on but sometimes hope fails me. Or is it that I fail myself.
I'm mad: when I sink myself into self loathing and rumination. I'm mad when i believe i can't get my self out of it.

Beneath the Surface

2005-10-28T07:37:00.000-07:00

I always thought that things were okay. I mean what else am i to think when everytime i ask all he says is that things are okay. He acts as if nothing is wrong. But then i read somewhere that he isn't happy with life. That he is having so many problems and he doesn't know how to get through it. I see her reply. And i see his. He says she is her best friend, he says he tells her everything and that she knows him more than anyone.

Right when you think you no someone. Mayb not evverything there is to know about them but you believe that you know enough. I realised that i know nothing about him. Of course i know of the superficial aspects of his life. How he wants a car, how he is planning to do this or that. But she knows whether he loves life, she is intimate with his emotions.

What does it mean? Am i only here for convenience? Everything he says he loves about her ironically are things that he doesnt want me doing. He loves her for telling him what he needs to hear not what he wants to hear. He despises me for being too harsh or unsupportive. He loves her for her sarcasm and her making funn of him in front of everyone. I apparently ridicule him and am condescending. She is what i am. But i am punished when she is worshipped.

What does that mean? Am i simply speaking from some unjustified sense of insecurity? How is it that I am his girlfriend and know the least about him? Where do i stand? What is my purpose? What am I?

Paralysis

2004-08-04T16:27:00.000-07:00

I can't move. Its like i am lifeless. But i can see everything happen around me. i Can see. i can think. its just me and my thoughts.

Insufficient, Lacking, Not Enough

2004-07-14T07:14:00.000-07:00

We use to ask each other hypotheticals. Sumtimes they’d ask ‘wat would u do if someone cheated on you?’ My first response was that I’d probably be in an outrage, throw a tantrum and end it. After much thought, I realised that if I loved the person enough I’d prolly forgiv the person n let bygones b bygones.

I mean firstly, what does it mean to ‘cheat’ on someone. Some would say simple being physically sexually unfaithful. My definition encompasses that but also goes further to what I’d like to call emotionally unfaithful. I mean one might not be engaging in physical unfaithfulness but say if person A was being dishonest to person B in such a way that A was hiding from B, an intimate relationship (talking on the phone or long distance) that A was having with a person C, I believe this would also be ‘cheating’. In a more eloquent manner of speaking it, it is when a person starts to pursue his or her feelings (being emotional or sexual urges) towards another person even though they are already involved with another person.

A fren told me that she recons that cheating is never excusable. I look at my own situation. And even though there was never any sexual unfaithfulness I still consider it cheating. Prior this circumstance I would have stood by my fren’z statement that cheating is inexcusable. But now, my first reaction was not rage or anything of the kind, but rather sadness. Sadness because obviously I was not enough and so he had to look else where for emotional or sexual fulfilment. For some reason I look at what he did and I can’t place blame on anyone except myself. Thinking through it logically and trying to see it how i would have seen it if I weren’t in the situation. Id stand by my fren’s statement bout it being inexcusable because even though you hear people say ‘I cheated on her but I still love her’, my refute to that would have been (as is my frend’s opinion) that if you truly love a person you can control any ‘craving’ to make sure you don’t intentionally hurt them.

Hmm… but then I think to myself again not all actions are conscious, so what happns if its jus that one thing led to another. I gues id say an act like ‘cheating’ isn’t an act that could be ‘unconscious’. But then again wat would I kno since ive never done it. I guess one thing can lead to another and these things happen. But with that I think mayb that means the love that person has isn’t strong enuff.

So am I against it? Totally. But for some reason in my own situation considering he told me the truth about what happened. Perhaps it is excusable. Isn’t it my fault for not being enough?

Momentary Clarity

2004-07-13T06:45:00.000-07:00

There are those days when everything seems to lack value
Like my world and my life is nothing of worth
And my staggering forward is but a great leap backwards.
A timeless void progressing to nothing
And then sometimes I am greeted by light
And I see a renewed beauty in existing
Like I have awaken from a lasting sleep
And now bathe in the morning sun.
I see the light of passion
And submerge myself in the warmth of understanding
I seek the other wonders of expression
And knowledge myself with emotion
I come to admire, appreciate, treasure
that glimpse of movement and life that I am allowed
despite its fading as unexpected as it came
I remember the beauty, the nothingness turn to substance
Happy there are days when all things become alive
But then there are those days when everything seems to lack value.

Expression

2004-07-13T06:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i feel so numb to everything. Sometimes i feel like the world passes me by and that i'm alone, frozen in time. But its time when im reading someone else's thought, their words, beliefs, i begin to see a part of the world that i never saw. At these moments i am able to capture a moment in time.

"Children's Eye's"

What kind of world is it, my friend,
that little children see?
I wonder if they see God first
because they just believe?

Do they see strength in caring eyes
who watch them as they play ––
Or maybe love through gentle hands
that guide them on their way?

Do children dream of future times
when they would be a king ––
Or just enjoy their present life
while with their friends they sing?

And when the day is over ––
as they close their eyes to sleep ––
Do they look forward to tomorrow
with its promises to keep?

If this is what our children see
then it should be no surprise -
the world would be a better place
if we all had children's eyes

Krause, T. 2004. 'Children's Eyes'. retrieved July 13, 2004 from Point of Life Inc. website: http://www.pointoflife.com/contests.html#winner

It is thru another's expression that i am revived. Circulation begins and my own thoughts formulate and yearn for an outlet.

The Lord is my Light

2004-07-11T06:24:00.000-07:00

Recently i have found that i am so lucky as to have more than one angel enter into my life. Two of whom allowed me to reevaluate my current circumstance and renew my faith in Christ. Dominus illuminatio mea. In times of need i turn to this light and seek the comfort that i need. i remember that 'God wants you to pass the tests of life, so he never allows the tests you face to be greater than the grace he gives you to handle them'.

Sometimes im not so sure if i believe this at all. Not everytime that i turn to the light do i find an answer. Perhaps it is just that i could not see it, rather than it not being there.

Sketches of a Novice

2004-07-11T06:06:00.000-07:00

Thought i'd js try dis out. i suppose i wantd a new medium in which i may express myself however simultaneously maintaining my anonymity. i spose we'll c how this all goes in the proceeding entries. Hoping i have found a means in which i can vent without any reservations.